Health over Sixty

This article is not directed to those over sixty, its also for those under sixty, to get an idea of just what nature has in store; like it or not your day is coming.

It starts when you hit forty or so, you start to get a few grey hairs, women go berserk, I cant understand this, women will dye their hair every color imaginable, one grey hair pops up and their bonkers; for men its worse, your hair starts to fall out, pretty soon much to your disbelief someone calls you baldy.

All of a sudden your in need of reading glasses, just for reading of course; those dam newspapers are using smaller type to save a few lousy bucks, next step is bifocals, they only take about 6 months to adjust to, but must admit there better than hauling around a magnifying glass.

Your teeth are in constant need of repair, the little receptionist at your dental clinic will remind you that you must come back every 3 months for your cleaning and check up, the last time she said that, I replied, "no problem, I'll send them to you".

You start hitting the book stores hunting for the latest book on anti aging herbs and other treatments to regain your youth, and as is the case of many men, to regain that rock hard erection, many just give up and opt. out for viagra, or worse a penal implant.

You start visiting your doctor with the new pain for the month, usually the back, or every joint in your body, he just sits there staring out the window at his new Mercedes, tells you, no smoking, no drinking, no candy, no salt, no red meat, then gives you a prescription of the latest drug he´s pushing at $100 per month.

I gave up drinking over 7 years ago, not that I really wanted to, but when a hangover last 4 days its time to rethink your drinking habit; for me the decision was made easier by my own stupidity; I love big band music, when I heard the "Big Bad Voodoo Daddies where coming to town it was a must go; The drinks where flowing, the music hot, I'm drinking and dancing all night, I mean I was ripping it up, Fred Astaire would have been proud of me; the next morning my whole body felt like it had been ripped up, my head was going to blow at any moment, then the shocker, I felt somebody next to me in bed, I rolled over and there she was, the ugliest woman ever put on the planet, worse, we're in my apartment, I'm terror struck, how am I going to get this monster from the blue lagoon out of my apartment without anyone seeing her, fortunately I slipped her out, told the doorman she was my new cleaning lady, I get her outside and she asks me if I was serious when I said I was interested in finding a new bride, that did it, after vomiting in the rose bushes, I went back to my place with a firm resolution to never drink again

All of a sudden your in your "Golden Years" Golden years my ass, who started that nonsense? I can assure you there is nothing golden about these years, no hair no teeth, at least not your own, a new pain a day especially in the winter, then some fool Doctor will tell you to grow old gracefully, think I'll start doing a little weed. DC duwayne@partiallyretarded.com

Understanding Women

Did you know that Sigmund Freud admitted that he could never understand women? So you as a layman had better leave it alone or it can drive you stark raving mad. The reason I have a complete understand of women is that I've spent a life time chasing after and even marrying a few; now here I set in my "Golden Years" stark raving mad, or close to it.

Some of you are probably wondering just what makes this 70 year old think he understands women; let me flash my credentials; for starters my Mom and Dad divorced when I was five, yes indeed a rarity in the 40s, when I was 11 my dad re-marries she was a cocktail waitress with 3 teenage daughters, it had to be the free drinks;.There I was 11 years old with three teenage step sisters, 12, 14, and 16, the terrible teens; let me tell you something, what Cinderella went threw was a freaking cake walk compared to what those three witches put me threw.
The worst part, my Dad rented a house with one bathroom, can you believe it, four women and only one toilet.

In six years I cant remember having a peaceful bowel movement, soon as I would set down with a good comic book there would be a banging on the door," what are you doing in there you little pervert, playing with yourself again; I'll spare you my childhood miseries and get on to the good part.

Women cry, "all you men want are our bodies we are nothing but sex objects" hey I'm the first to admit it when women get it right, and I have to admit they hit that one right on the head. Ladies when you figure out something better to catch us with let me know, even at my age Ill stand in line to try it; in the meantime just keep working with what works for you, after all its been working pretty good for a few million years, and must admit you've got it down to an art.

Okay so your sex objects, who´s fault is it? You run around in pants so tight you can count pubic hairs, mini skirts so short your fannies are hanging out, see threw blouses with ten pounds of silicon that you now call your teats, tummy tucks, face lifts, and now silicon for your sagging ass; women spend over twelve billion on cosmetics, then off they go to the beach with their new bodies and makeup wearing bikinis so tiny they have to shave their pubic hair; they do everything they can to get men's hormones rushing, then after they go threw all this to get us hot and bothered, its the old line, "all you want is my body", you animal.

Now don't you ladies get all bent out of shape, I'm well aware you have much more to offer than just sex, some of you can clean house, change diapers, bring you a beer during football games, and a few of you can even cook, without using a microwave.

Gentleman let me share something with you, if you ever want to get rid of a woman fast ask her these four magic questions;
1. do you enjoy cleaning house, 2. do you enjoy cooking and cleaning your kitchen, 3. do you enjoy scrubbing floors including the bathroom on your hand and knees, 4. and last but most important, do you beleive thats mans pleasure is your most important responsibility, let me warn you if she answeres yes to all these questions, get moving fast she is 1. a big liar, or 2. out of her freaking mind, and should be commited.

Now for womens best keep secret, forgive me ladies but I cant keep this to myself any longer;
Women dont go threw all this BS only to attract men, they do it to show other women they can attract men, especially other womens men. DC duwayne@partiallyretarded.com