The Golden Years or Growing Old Gracefully

“The Golden Years”

Or “Growing Old un-Gracefully”

I have no idea as to who started this bullshit about growing old gracefully or the golden years, just let me tell you there is nothing golden about growing old, except the gold in your teeth, if you have any left.

For most humans our bodies start to go downhill after the age of fifty.

For men you’ll notice your skin starts to sag, that old tight stomach starts to expand and sag with the ten to twenty pounds that just seem to come out of nowhere, your hair starts to change for a nice shade of grey or it just starts to disappear altogether.

When you go to pee you’ll notice that what used to take 10 seconds now takes about 3 minutes, shake it how you may there are always a few drops more that usually stain the front of your pants, you try and cover it up with the old explanation “they’ve got to fix those dam water faucets”.

Your blood pressure starts to climb, for the rest of your “golden years” you’ll be taking one poison or another to keep it down.

That pride and joy that you called the beast, is now turned into a limp piece of spaghetti, which is used for that five minutes or longer needed to relieve the old bladder. Oh well just pop a few other poisons into your system and soon the old guy will be standing straight up, you may drop dead with a heart attack but with one fine looking erection, try to explain that to the undertaker.

You’ve been thinking of hitting on that cute 18 year old waitress in your favorite coffee shop but back off due to the fact that you’ll probably embarrass yourself, who knows with the right amount of money she may even go for it, so you’ll buy a pack of Viagra and take your chances, with your luck you’ll croak right before the grand final, now try and explain that to the little woman, by the way that little woman you married is no longer so little.

Hemorrhoids, oh yes may the fun never stop, bleeding hemorrhoids are the most fun, you’ll start wearing Kotex to keep from getting blood on your pants, your wife has reached the age of not needing them, now it’s your turn to be on the rag.

For you women the story gets really gruesome, You gals spend billions of dollars on tinting your hair and buying cosmetics, as for those once beautiful teats that are now sagging down to your also sagging tummy, what can you do?

Okay so a few pounds of silicon will get them right back up, but what to do for the rest of your saggy body? Well you can start with a tummy tuck, have that saggy ass tucked, your chin lifted, all those wrinkles removed, and those varicose veins have got to go, hey for no more than $50 or $60 grand you’ll look like that 18 year old waitress your husband has been drooling over. Hey better yet, you now look good enough to start looking for an 18 year old waiter.

The bottom line is this, the so called “golden years” is a crock of bullshit, and who ever coined the “growing old gracefully” phrase was probably very rich or croaked before he turned 60.